I was just cleaning up my old email inbox, and found a couple funny stories, jokes etc... thought I'd share a few
Montana Cowboy
A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture When suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Bryony suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, Leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If
I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,
Will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, Then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
Connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, And surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, Where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation
system To get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to
another NASA satellite That scans the area in an ultra-high-resoluti on
photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop And
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot That the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet With e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and
says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals And looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"
You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government, " says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, To a question I never asked.
You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; And you don't
know a thing about cows, this is a herd of sheep.
"Now give me back my dog."
ScienceStudents in an advanced biology class were taking a mid term exam.
The last question was: "Name seven advantages of mothers milk. The correct answer will be worth 70 points or none at all." One student who had partied a little too hard the night before, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He finally wrote:
1. It is a perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always available as needed.
4. It is always at the right temperature.
5. It is inexpensive.
6. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...
7. It comes in such cute containers.
***********************
He got an "A."
Should Children Witness Childbirth Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house
was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl,
to
hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi
pushed and pushed,and after a little while Connor was born. The
paramedic
lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor
began to
cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the
wide-eyed
3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn
quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
place,
spank his ass again!"
Why we love children 1) NUDITY
Driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when
a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was
stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old
shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child
are not necessarily those of his parents."
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.
She's hitting the bottle."
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in
amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a
little boy before?"
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered and continued writing the report." My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well,
then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please
tie my shoe?"
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,
and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back
there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that
suit."
And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-yea r-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father
always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into
the hole he goooes." (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write,
and they won't let me talk!" 11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Okay thats it for now, Wendy is bugging me for the computer... :D
